Letter to a Friend, 13 sept 2001

It's been hard for me to sort through all the emotions and thoughts I've had over the past few days. The emotional side of me doesn't want to believe the mass destructiveness of these actions, but I watched the whole thing as it happened (tuned in when tower 1 was hit, watched as tower 2 was hit) so I can't escape the reality of what I saw.

We have family in that area, so Tuesday we were mostly concerned with reaching all the family members to make sure everyone was alive. Thankfully, they are. Pop was on top of the apartment building he supervises, and watched the whole ordeal go down, from start to finish. Outside of the building they have set up a triage and temporary housing for those evacuated from the city, and the ferries have been carrying people across the bay.

Somehow the whole chain of events just doesn't sit well with me. On one hand, it seems too orchestrated, resolves too perfectly many of the issues that our government seemed unable to resolve (foreign policy, slumping economy, push for military/defense spending, lack of patriotism and national pride).

On the other hand, there are so many countries and nations and factions of nations that are very dissatisfied with american policies and politics. And there are many people willing to die for their beliefs, willing to take civilian lives to make a point. And we can't ignore the fact the thousands of civilians in other nations have died as a result of american weapons and american interference, and a reaction such as this can't be totally unexpected.

And in my heart, I can't help but recollect and analyze all the details about the "end times" from the Book of Revelations, Ezekiel, and other prophetic writings.

Overall, I feel this could be a "wake up" call for americans -- on a spiritual level, more than anything. It's just plain sad that it takes a national tragedy to start this process, but from an evil act, good can come, if we as a people are open to learning the lessons illustrated here is such graphic and horrific detail. Maybe now change will come. But then again, maybe not.

All across the nation people are screaming for retaliation, but like you -- I wonder -- who really was responsible, and we will ever know the full scope? It would be so unwise to declare war based on rumors and rumors of war. I find it hard to believe everything the media proposes, and find it difficult to believe that americans accept our government's motivations for war as pure.

I don't think war is the answer, but I fear that's what will happen. And if war ensues, especially with the advent and accessibility of nuclear weapons, I realize that life and the world and our nation and our government as we knew it before Tuesday will never be the same again.

Like you, I also feel in my gut (as much as I want to ignore that feeling, and the voice I hear telling me it is so, I can't) that I am here for a purpose, am here to take care of J and see to his physical needs, am here and willing to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. I pray. And sometimes I hear my Creator's voice, a voice that has been with me all along (but a voice I previously called "self") reassuring me that there is a larger plan, a larger design that includes but yet extends beyond these acts. And I still feel that somehow this will all be made clear in the days and months and years to come, but sometimes I grow impatient and fearful of and for the future. I am so grateful that I don't have children. What kind of future could I offer them?

The hypocrites pray publicly, in a large display of holding hands and kneeling before the crushed towers (symbols of money and power), yet with the same feverish voices scream for war and battle and bloodshed.

Inside I feel like I could cry at any moment, always on the verge of tears, but not quite sure why. Maybe the tears are for the future, maybe the tears are for the past and present, but an overwhelming shadow of sadness envelopes me and for right now, I can't see beyond it.

I'm so thankful that our families are alive, that my friends are alive, and that Hubby is with me.

Beyond that, I just don't know. I feel this is so much bigger than it looks, even as big as it looks right now. And I feel there is more sadness and tragedy in store for us, as a nation, and as a people. I also feel that if we as a nation take this lesson to heart and start changing individual by individual, from within, then this uncertain fate could be averted.

Maybe the Creator is giving us a sign, giving us a chance to come back. My scope of understanding and acceptance are limited by my human-ness and physical body. Sadly enough, I just don't have that faith in humanity.